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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN.
PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR?
FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME
CARLY BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU!
YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE?
WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

SCENE THREE CARLYS
SCENE OPENS CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
YOURE SAYING IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE
SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP.
CARLY SPENCER UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL NEVER YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: YA THINK?
I DONT KNOW!
SAM: YOU KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM
SCENE WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
(LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: DOIN?
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS!
SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
WHAT?
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
SURE IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.